


to you, i will always return

by pragmatic



Category: The 100
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 05:43:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10210841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pragmatic/pseuds/pragmatic
Summary: Bellamy goes to space for five years.





	

_I hear the wind call my name_  
_The sound that leads me home again_  
_It sparks up the fire—a flame that still burns  
To you I will always return_

_\---_

The realization came to him slowly. He didn't have nightblood, Clarke did. He had to go to space to wait out the worst of the bombs, Clarke had to stay here to protect their people.

He had to _leave her for five years._

His breath caught in his throat when it all clicked, and he was on the verge of having a panic attack when Raven walked in, barking orders. He composed himself as much as he could and got to work.

There was too many things to be done to be sitting around worrying about the inevitable.

He'd had a choice, obviously, about whether to take some nightblood for himself; but it didn't seem right. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he got to live and another person didn't just because of his selfishness. He had enough trouble looking himself in the mirror as it is.

He didn't know how to bring it up to Clarke, though. He didn't know how she would react, she didn't know he hadn't taken nightblood. She'd probably be pissed that he's sacrificing himself again, that much he knew. They spent a lot of time together, ever since Abby stepped down as one of their leaders, they both took on more work and responsibility. It had been a blessing and a curse.

The people respected him, especially after he led them to war, side by side with trikru, and they _won_. They didn't look at him with sorrow anymore, but a proud glimmer filled their eyes when he was in the room. He'd won them their freedom, and he didn't plan on taking it away.

Clarke noticed something was bothering him almost immediately, of course. "You've been way too quiet throughout the entire meeting. You didn't slam your fist on the table once, I know you love to do that."

He huffed a laugh. "I was just thinking I guess."

She sat down across from him, brows quirked. "So you weren't listening?"

Shit. "No, no, I was just—"

She laughed, clear and bright. "I'm just kidding, Bellamy. Relax. What were you thinking about?"

He opened his mouth a few times, but he didn't know the right words. He took a deep breath, staring at his hands instead of her. "When they made rounds with the nightblood, I asked if there was enough for everyone, and they said no."

He noticed her sit back, jaw slack. He continued. "So I didn't take any, and now the radiation is coming faster than ever and I have to go to space and I have to—" _Leave you and it's slowly killing me inside._

He didn't look at her. He couldn't.

After a few moments in silence, she stood up and simply walked out of the room. No explanation, just pulled back the flap and carried on away from him. He stared after her, wishing he had the courage to call out to her.

\---

She didn't talk to him for days, not even sparing him a glance in meetings or when they passed in the halls. He wanted to confront her, reason with her, tell her that they shouldn't be fighting before he has to leave. Tell her they should be spending as much time together as possible. (He knew he'd never say those words out loud.)

\---

In Beccas lab, they found three more rockets, with enough supplies to last five years. Raven figured out that the rockets actually could expand and attach to each other, if they were controlled from the ground. She was still working out the logistics.

He packed for space, and even though that was technically his home, he wasn't excited to go back. Space was where he'd felt the most pain, and even though he inflicted more pain on the ground, at least there he could get some fresh air.

Clarke still hadn't spoken to him since he'd told her his plan, and he wasn't expecting her to. Maybe she was distancing herself to make it easier for the next five years. He didn't like it, but he'd come to accept it.

In the wee hours of the morning he was supposed to leave, his door creaked open, and Clarke took a breath before crossing the room and climbing into his bed.

He cracked an eye open, and the light teasing he was about to give died on his tongue. Tears flowed down her cheeks, and her hands were shaking.

He grabbed her hands and roamed his eyes over her, searching for injury. "Clarke? What's wrong? What happened? Is someone hurt?"

She quickly shook her head, and sniffled. "No, nothing like that. It's just—just—" Her words were caught off by another fresh wave of tears and his heart ached.

He pulled her to his chest, not needing to rush her into giving an explanation. He smoothed down her hair and murmured soothing words into her ear. She clung desperately onto his shirt.

After a while, he was sure she'd fallen asleep, but then she pulled away from him and wiped her eyes. She sat up, wrapping her arms around her knees.

She looked at him, and bit her lip to contain its wobbling. "I'm sorry, for coming in here so suddenly after ignoring you for weeks. I just couldn't handle that we're not going to see each other for— _five years._ " She whispered the last words.

He scooted closer, taking her hand. "It's not going to change anything, Clarke. When I get back, you're still going to be a pain in my ass." He paused as she huffed a laugh. He swallowed. "And my best friend."

She looked at him then, and there was an intensity in her eyes he'd never seen before, it made his heart thump louder in his chest.

Hesitantly, she ran a hand down his chest, feather light. Her voice was coarse when she spoke. "What if I don't want to be _just_ your best friend?"

He glanced down the hand resting on his chest, then bored his eyes into hers, searching for anything that might say she wasn't serious. But he didn't find anything but pure emotion and want.

His smile was sad, but he gently pulled her until she was underneath him. He pushed the hair away from her face and she leaned into his touch, without ever taking her eyes off his.

The first brush of lips was hesitant, slow. But then Clarke opened her mouth and he groaned into it, deepening the kiss. He didn't imagine their first kiss to be so full of sorrow and despair, but he didn't care so long as it was happening. Her hands roamed up his back, then tugged at the hem of his shirt, asking.

He pulled back just enough that they still shared the same breath, and raised his eyebrows in question.

Her hips met his in desperation. "I'm sure, Bellamy."

He nodded and worked at getting both their clothes off, Clarke huffed impatiently, and he told her there was no rush.

Her hand brushed over her bare breast and a lust filled her eyes. "For you, maybe."

He swore and ducked down to kiss her again, taking her bottom lip in his mouth and gently sucking at it. Her hands groped his bare ass and another curse tumbled from his lips. His fingers grazed between her breasts and over her stomach, finally finding her clit. He groaned when he found how slick she already was.

He nipped at her neck as he rubbed her. "Was this your plan all along?"

She whined when his fingers slowed. "To seduce you? Yes."

He laughed. "No shame, whatsoever huh?"

She shook her head and grinned, then flipped them so she was straddling him. "None at all."

He gripped her hips as she splayed her hands against his chest. She positioned herself above him, then sunk onto him, pulling a soft moan from his lips. "Fuck, Clarke."

She grinned and pulled at his earlobe with her teeth. "Yeah?"

In a flash, he sat up and wrapped her legs completely around his waist. He mouthed at her neck. "You _know_ it."

She clutched his shoulders as he began to thrust into her, and the noises she made was something he could get used to. She pulled at his hair and threw her head back in a moan when she was close, his fingers found her clit again and his thumb dragged it out.

When he was close, he pinned her to the mattress and drove his hips into hers. She bit his shoulder to muffle her scream as she came again, and he finished with a grunt against her neck.

Panting, he rolled off her, and she tucked herself into his side. He played with his hair absently, while she danced he fingertips along his stomach.

After a few moments, he knew he had to tell her before it was too late. He tilted her chin so he could look her in the eyes. "You know I'm in love with you, right?"

A smile spread across her face, and she grinned, surging forward to kiss him. Although she was grinning so hard she was basically just pressing her lips against his.

"Yeah, I know, Bellamy." A pause. "I'm in love with you, too."

A light feeling that felt that hope spread through his chest, and he kissed her again before rolling into his side and beginning to spoon her. She wiggled her butt against his cock and he bit her shoulder. "Get some rest, I don't have to leave for a few more hours."

She tightened his grip on her waist and settled against the pillow. "I love you, Bellamy."

He nuzzled her neck, he knew he would never get tired of those words. "I love you, Clarke."

\---

He hugged his sister goodbye, and then Miller, and then Raven. When he hugged Clarke, he whispered his love for her in her ear and she squeezed him tighter. She murmured her reply so the others wouldn't hear, then stepped back, tears glistening. He squeezed her hand one last time before stepping onto the ship.

He waved at his little family from the window, and he felt his chest swell with both love and heartache and the ship took off with him wondering how he could possibly feel both at the same time.

\---

He left another mark on the wall, the thousandth one. Only eight hundred and twenty five days to go until it was safe to return to earth. Until he could see Clarke again. The radio system was few and far between, usually only lasted long enough to give Abby brief messages every few months. He couldn't wait to talk to Clarke.

\---

He was getting thinner, the portions on the ship were dwindling, and there was still a three hundred days to go.

\---

He collapsed in the cafeteria from both exhaustion and starvation, he'd been giving his portions to the other people aboard the ships. He hadn't had a proper meal in days.

There was only fifty days to go, fifty days until he was home in Clarkes arms and he could tell her how fucking shitty it was without her. He could make it fifty days.

\---

The ships detached at Ravens orders and they lined themselves up for departure, he was shaking with adrenaline and excitement. This s'morning, he had been counting his ribs, tonight, he'd have Clarke in his arms.

\---

The ships landed without any problems and he was practically crawling out of his skin. He just wanted to get out of this box and breath the fresh air he'd been desperate for for five years.

The door slowly lowered itself to the ground, and he stepped out. He gasped.

There were buildings, and grounders and sky people alike were walking amongst each other. His eyes found her immediately, her hair was how was how it'd been in the early days, curly and pulled back with a part in the middle. She was crying, and she was beautiful.

He ran to her, scooping her up in his arms and spinning her around. She laughed and cried at the same time and he set her down but didn't let go of her.

She ran her hands over his ribs. "You're much too thin."

He kissed her nose. "Thank you."

She smiled and pressed her face against his chest, breathing him in. He nuzzled against her neck, sighing contently. "I love you, and I missed you so much, Clarke. It was torture not being able to see you or talk to you. I was going crazy."

She stroked his hair. "I know exactly how you feel, I didn't know how much longer I could take missing you. I was nearly out of my mind."

He hugged her closer. "Well, I'm here now."

She pulled back slightly and took his face in her hands. "Yes, you are. And I have something to show you."

He smiled and let her pull him along to a fairly large cabin, which he assumed was theirs. She led them to the porch and opened the door, Octavia was waiting.

She gasped and ran into his arms. He held her close, and he felt his chest swell again. He couldn't quite believe he was finally home.

"Daddy?" A small voice said.

He furrowed her brows, and unlocked himself from Octavia to find a young boy with dark curly hair and bright blue eyes clinging onto Clarkes leg.

Clarke patted the young boys head. "That's right, Evander, that's daddy." Her voice was thick with tears.

 _Arcadian hero of the Trojan war._ Bellamy glanced between the boy—Evander—and Clarke. She nodded at him, gently pushing Evander towards him.

He crouched and studied him. His hair was exactly like his own, and Clarkes blue eyes shone back at him.

Bellamy smiled. "Hi, Evander."

He smiled, too. "I missed you, daddy."

Suddenly a small squirming body was in his arms, and he felt tears prick his eyes. He cuddled Evander to his chest and stood, giving Clarke questioning eyes.

Octavia saw it, and stepped closer to Bellamy. "Come on, Evander, mom and dad have a lot of things to discuss." Evander went willingly into her arms and she gave Bellamy a knowing look before retreating from the cabin.

He looked at Clarke. "He's mine?" His voice sounded too hopeful.

She nodded, clasping her hands in front of her. "I wanted to tell you, but whenever the radio did actually work, I wasn't there or there was too many other things to inform you about or—" She cut herself off and took a deep breath, sparing a glance at him. "Are you mad?"

He furrowed his brows in confusion and closed the distance between them, taking her face in his hands. "Of course I'm not mad, Clarke. We have a _son_ , you're the only person in the entire world I'd want to share that with."

A tear rolled down her cheek and she surged forward to kiss him, he guided them to the bed and undressed her immediately, wanting to explore every inch of her body again.

Afterwards, he grinned at her. "Nice name picking by the way."

She grinned back. "I think it suits him very well."

He kissed the top of her head. "I agree." He paused. "I love you."

She propped her chin on his chest. "I love you."

They made out for a while, then decided to get dressed before Octavia came back.

They walked to the dining hall and sat with their friends, Evander on his knee.

He loved him so much already it was almost ridiculous.

He had survived possibly the worst five years of his life, and how he had a family. He practically felt as if he was glowing with happiness.

Clarke watched him as he got ready for bed. "What's up with you?"

He looked at her, not understanding. "What do you mean?"

She crawled into bed beside him, but sat cross legged as they talked. "You didn't stop smiling all throughout dinner."

He laughed. "Is that not allowed?"

She smacked his chest. "Of course it is, it's even encouraged. I'm just not used to it."

He pulled her to him, kissing her temple. "Well, I'm happy."

He felt her grin against his skin and he rubbed his hand down her arm.

She traced her fingers over his chest. "Do you think you've finally had your final journey to the ground?"

He threw his head back against the pillow, groaning. "God, I hope so."

\---

_I can't stand the distance—I can't  dream alone  
I can't wait to see you—yes, I'm on my way home_

 

**Author's Note:**

> i deleted the chances fic i just wasn't feeling it sorry to disappoint


End file.
